He stayed the night

It’s been almost two weeks since that rainy Monday morning that I first met Jared and I have enjoyed his company. No, we haven’t hung out, but the daily text message conversations and occasional phone chats have left me filled with all sorts of emotions. There has been no talk about our sexual preferences or identities, but conversations concerning who we are as people and what events have shaped our individual lives.

Jared Allen III was the only child of Stephanie Johnson and Jared Allen Jr. During one of our few late night conversations he broke down into tears recounting the struggles of his youth and his lost of his parents. His parents were high school sweethearts who had planned to wed once they were financially ready but lived their life as a married couple. His mother, Stephanie, went directly to Essex County College in Newark, NJ after high school, she planned on getting an Associate’s Degree in Business Management then head into a four year program for her Bachelor’s. His father joined the Newark police department, following in the footsteps of his father and uncles. During the fall semester of Stephanie’s first year she found out she was pregnant with Jared. She later explained to him that even though they were happy to add an addition to their family, they were not ready for a child and contemplated getting an abortion. With support from both of their parents’, the young couple decided to keep their baby and find a way to survive. Eight and half months into her pregnancy, an officer came to Stephanie and Jared’s apartment. He held his hat tight across his chest and simply said “I’m so sorry.” Screams echoed through the apartment building as Stephanie learned of her future husband’s death. The excitement, grief and pain of the divesting news caused Stephanie to go into labor.

Stephanie, Jared recalled from stories his mother and other relatives shared with him, managed to finish her last semester in school, but the grief of losing Jared Jr. beat her down mentally. Shortly after Jared Jr.’s death, Stephanie’s father was diagnosis with terminal brain cancer and passed away. The lost of the two men that she depended on for strength so close together drove her into the arms of drugs and self-pity. Jared’s paternal grandparent’s cared for him for most of his childhood as his mother battled drug addiction and bad choices. Her full-time job was not supporting her habit and her bills so she began sleeping with her dealers to pay for her relief. Stephanie gave birth to two additional children before turning her life around and getting into a drug rehabilitation program. His tears could be heard over the phone as he continued to recount his childhood pain, he tried to maintain a level of strength and masculinity in his voice that kind of turned me on, but his voice shuck from the pain.

She managed to get a legal aide position for a local lawyer and worked her way out of the slums in which she had found herself. She was able to gain custody of her two younger children, but Jared was now twelve years old and pleaded with his mother to let him remain with his grandparents who had been the only parents he knew. Not wanting to scar her child anymore, she agreed but Jared visited her frequently, developing a relationship with the woman that gave birth to him. This time would prove helpful because within two years of each other, Jared’s grandparents died. Then the reason for the call and the family lecture became clear, Jared’s grandparents both died in August and he was faced with their memories once again.

“Are you ok?” I was genuinely concerned for him and the way he sounded I wanted to make sure someone was near him to give him comfort. He was only eight minutes from my house, so it would have been no problem for me to jump in my car and head over to the college to pick him up.

“I’ll be ok,” I could hear him sniffling, a clear sign that he was crying. “I’m sorry man, I don’t know where that all came from, I haven’t talked about all of that in like a year and definitely not to a stranger…I mean,”

“Don’t worry about it, I understand. I’m just glad you felt comfortable enough to let it out with me. Is your roommate going to be there tonight?”

“I doubt it, I haven’t seen him in two days.”

“Get a bag together, I’m on my way. I’ll meet you in the large parking lot in 10 minutes.” I hung up the phone not giving him a chance to tell me no. I wasn’t trying to pick him up in hopes of getting sympathy sex or testing to see if he got down or not, I felt bad for him and didn’t want him to be alone. I threw on a pair of cotton shorts, grabbed a t-shirt and headed out the door. Ten minutes on the dot I pulled up to the college and to my surprise, Jared was standing there with his book bag. He got in and we didn’t say anything the entire ride to my house. “Hey, did you eat? I have cereal, left over fried chicken and whatever else you can find in the kitchen.” He followed me, still with his book bag across his shoulder while I opened up the refrigerator and cabinets to show him what food I had laying around.

“Thanks, but I got something before I called you. Do you mind if I take a shower?”

“Sure,” I grabbed a towel and wash cloth from the closest and led him into the bathroom. My apartment wasn’t large and luxurious, but it was perfect for me. A medium size living room that had enough room for a love seat and sofa, a master bedroom with one walk in closest, a small kitchen with just enough space to cook in and a small bathroom was all the space I needed. I grabbed a pillow off my bed and made the sofa up so I could sleep on the couch and allow my guest the comfort of sleeping in my bed. I was stretched out on the couch watching Baseball Tonight on ESPN when Jared emerged from the shower. He was in there so long I was concerned he had tied to kill himself. He wore a wife beater and a pair of black mesh basketball shorts. He sat on the love seat with his book bag between his leg, he didn’t say anything, just looked at the TV. as if he was a baseball fan.

“You ok,” I didn’t know what else to say and regretted asking was he ok again.

“I’m better. Thanks man, you must be my guardian angel because you are always around when I need someone.”

“This is my good deed for September so don’t mention it. I’m going to sleep on the couch, you can take my bed. My room is the second door on your left.” Jared made his way down my short hallway, felt for the light on my wall and just paused. I didn’t know what to think, my bed was made and I knew I didn’t have roaches so why was he hesitating. Even though I am not secretive about my sexuality, I also don’t broadcast it either. My bed was a dark brown California king sleigh bed with a pillow top mattress. I spent most of my time in my room so it was very comfortable in there. I had a 42 inch plasma flat screen television mounted on my wall, compared to the 28 inch television in the living room it looked massive. I had one long dresser in my room, the same color as my bed and a walk in closest. My room was what I considered to be warm and inviting, so I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t welcome the opportunity to unwind in there. I watched as he slowly walked into my room and figured he was having second thoughts about staying at my home.

“Hey how do you work your television,” Jared called from my room. I walked to my room and found Jared sitting on my bed holding the remote controls to the television and cable box looking like a confused little boy. I grabbed the remote control for the cable box and turned on the television and cable box.

“This controls everything,” I handed him back the remote.

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch, this bed is big enough for both of us.”

“I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, the couch is fine.”

“It’s cool man.” I didn’t want to argue because I loved my bed. I decided to take a long shower to give him time to fall asleep before I got into bed. I took my normal warm shower that I took every night before getting into my bed. I decided to put my lotion on in the bathroom and actually get dressed before I exited my bathroom. The steam and the lack of ventilation almost made the shower a waste of time by the time I was finished applying lotion to my body and putting on my clothes. As I expected, Jared was asleep by the time I got into bed. He was lying with his back toward the door on the far left side of the bed facing the air conditioner I had forgotten to turn off. I didn’t mind the cold room but wasn’t sure if he would mind, guess he didn’t.

I set the sleep timer to turn the television off in an hour, giving me just enough time to see the important highlights of the first games of the college football season on ESPN. I must have been tired, because I still can’t remember the first highlights that rolled across the screen. At some point during the night I felt Jared move close to me, grab my arm and forced me to hold him. He pulled my left arm around him, pushed his body into mine and lay tightly against me. This position would normally raise an excitement in my body that would lead to a shift of mental control of my body to my smaller brain. But on this night, I held in like a mother would hold her child after seeing their dog die. I held him with love and compassion even though we had just met two weeks ago. We slept that way until I woke up in the morning to take my shower before church.

I came out the bathroom to an empty bedroom, an empty apartment, and no sign of my evening guest. There was no note, no text saying good bye, he was gone as if it was all a dream. I had scared him off, took his vulnerable state and exploited his need for attention. I should have stayed on the couch like I had planned.